Toast of the Day

Each day I will post the person(s), company or organization that I think clearly deserves the “Toast of the Day” award. This award is self-explanatory. If you made it here….you are certainly “TOAST”.

Toast of the Day 03/07/08

Stupid People and their Subprime Mortgages

http://bigpicture.typepad.com/comments/2008/02/how-subprime-re.html

“Whut chu talkin’ bout? I can git me won of them big howses like they got on the TV?” “Know moniy down? Evin workn at the Walsmarts I can?” “Shooooot….ok…..I wont won of them pulls two…so me and the kids can go swiming any time we wont to.” “Shure, role it into that lone…my paymint wont go up for yeers.”  

Here is your sign….more like…here is your eviction notice. Now get out. All subprime idiots can meet for soup at the homeless shelter. How did any of that sound like a good idea to these people? The great thing about people, they give the Rooster an opportunity to not feel so bad about the future. All I have to do is look around and I know that I ain’t got it so bad after all. If only my Iraqi Dinars would ever be worth more than toilet paper.

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Toast of the Day 03/04/08

 How to Be a Street Racer
‘Import Car’
So, you’ve watched `The Fast and the Furious’ eight times, and you live by Dominc’s famous words, “I live my life a quarter-mile at a time, in those ten seconds or less I am free,” you are a bonified street racer. If you’re fat please don’t confuse this life motto with, “I live my life a quarter-pounder at a time, no lettuce or tomato and french fries for free,” you’re just a bonified fatty.
Anyways, before you go blowing your cash on a fixed-up Honda, Nissan, or Acura, take a look in your own garage first. If you own any type of imported vehicle, you can be a street racer! You don’t need a fast car; all you need is some stickers, sweet driving skills and a little imagination.

Driving Techniques
First, let’s discuss how to properly drive your imported vehicle. Even if your import has a stock engine, you can’t let anybody else know this. Although people rarely know the difference, a little mystery will help your image. Driving your vehicle properly is imperative. Think of the street cred points you would lose if you drove just like every other Average Joe? Here are some driving tips that are sure to get you the reputation you deserve:
ALWAYS drive fast, even if the next stoplight is only 500 feet away.
Try to secure the front spot when waiting at a stoplight. Make sure your front end is all up in the pedestrian crosswalk to let everyone know who is boss.
If you cannot secure the front spot, be sure to stop behind a car that has a higher probability of driving fast. For example: If you are faced with the decision of either stopping behind a Dodge Caravan or a Ford Focus, choose the Focus even if you are almost at a stop already. Cutting people off makes them realize how fast and powerful your car is.
When driving in traffic: One word. Weave. Always try to get in front of people who are blocking your way to VTEC happiness. If someone refuses to heed to your Japanese gauntlet of steel, drive about one foot behind them. This is international car talk for “Please move your vehicle when possible”. If somebody honks at you, it is not because you are driving recklessly; it is simply horns of applause at your aggressive, talented driving.

Car Image
The image of your car is important to you as a street racer. Without it, you are nothing. Image is MUCH more important than what is actually under the hood. Here are some simple steps that enhance your bragging Horse Power (numbers you don’t need to worry about, just know it makes your car fast in Honda land):

Step 1 - Lower your car: all street racers have lowered cars, without it, you might as well be driving a Yugo.
+ 5 Horse Power
Step 2 - Body kit - Be sure to have a body kit on your import.If you can’t afford one, make it out of cardboard. If you can, don’t worry about painting it, this is not important to your street racing image.
+ 10 Horse Power
[ Extra Horse Power if your car has a primered body kit with a painted car and you leave it like that for 6 months or more. + 2 extra Horse Power]
Step 3 - Carbon-Fiber anything: Carbon-Fiber makes your car lighter and faster.
+ 5 Horse Power
Step 4 - Spoiler: The bigger, uglier, more obnoxious the better. A well-placed spoiler SCREAMS “Street Racer”.
+ 7 Horse Power
Step 5 - If you are a girl: be sure to show your Honda power with a pink, flowery sticker that says “Powered By [Your name here]“
+ 2 Horse Power
[Again, + 2 Horse Power more if the sticker color does not match your car at all]
Step 6 - Muffler tip: Don’t waste your time doing your entire exhaust system. No street racer knows the difference anyways. Just go to your local muffler shop and pick up a 3 inch muffler tip. Sound is perhaps the most important aspect of your import.
+ 10 Horse Power
FYI: Don’t have time/can’t afford a muffler tip? That’s OK! Just get a drill and put a golf-sized hole in your muffler. Works just as well! + 4 Horse Power
Step 7 - Stickers: Stickers on your car enhance and add the much-desired Horse Power. They can be from anywhere, your local muffler shop, body shop, or the sticker from your favorite radio station. + 1 Horse Power for every sticker.
Step 8 - Car Color: If you are Mexican, make sure some kind of neon color makes it onto your import. No need for professional paint, spray paint will do.
+ 10 Horse Power
Step 9 - Your Nationality: Being short and Asain with spiky black hair gives you even more street cred…if you are ready to handle the attention, bleach the tips of your hair and bust out your Linkin Park/Jay-Z “Collision Course” CD + 10 Horse Power
Step 10 - Tagging your Acura as a Honda: There is no greater sign of greatness in the import world. If you live in the U.S., tagging your Acura as a Honda is the same in Japan, Acuras are Hondas.
+ a billion Horse Power

I didn’t write this of course…so props to the originator. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
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  Toast of the Day 03/03/08

Will Farrell

http://au.askmen.com/blogs/entertainment/will-ferrell.html

Dude…..we need more COWBELL!!!
Please! No more sports related comedies…the only sports left to parody
is “Paper Football” and “Rock Paper Scissors”
and no… we don’t want to go there!
Take a much needed break, come back when you are rested
and ready to be funny again.
How about teaming up with Jackie Chan? We all love Jackie Chan.
Don’t forget the magic that was the COWBELL…channel the COWBELL….  

Toast of the Day 02/27/08  

Hillary ClintonPresent and Future Senator (D) New York

Thanks for the spam emails. Thanks for the spam phone calls.
Nothing says “I want your vote” like a pre-recorded phone call at dinner time.
You blew it. Your people blew it. You are Toast.

 

Toast of the Day 02/26/08

OSCARS

I think we are all pretty tired of the crap from Hollywood.  This is a simple Toast for today.
Maybe next year OSCAR himself will be included in the “In Memoriam” portion honoring those that expired the previous year.
Lowest rated OSCARS in history. The people have spoken (figuratively).

Toast of the Day 02/25/08

American Airlines

“Better think twice about asking for a second bag o’ peanuts…”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23327116/

NEW YORK - An American Airlines passenger died after a flight attendant told her he couldn’t give her any oxygen and then tried to help her with faulty equipment, including an empty oxygen tank, a relative said. The airline confirmed the flight death and said medical professionals had tried to save the passenger, Carine Desir, who was returning home to Brooklyn from Haiti. Desir, who had heart disease, died of natural causes, medical examiner’s office spokeswoman Ellen Borakove said Sunday. Desir had complained of not feeling well and being very thirsty on the Friday flight from Port-au-Prince after she ate a meal, according to Antonio Oliver, a cousin who was traveling with her and her brother Joel Desir. A flight attendant gave her water, he said. A few minutes later, Desir said she was having trouble breathing and asked for oxygen, but a flight attendant twice refused her request, Oliver said Sunday in a telephone interview. After the flight attendant refused to administer oxygen to Desir, she became distressed, pleading, “Don’t let me die,” Oliver recalled. Other passengers aboard Flight 896 became agitated over the situation, he said, and the flight attendant, apparently after phone consultation with the cockpit, tried to administer oxygen from a portable tank and mask, but the tank was empty. Two doctors and two nurses were aboard and tried to administer oxygen from a second tank, which also was empty, Oliver said. Desir was put on the floor, and a nurse tried CPR, to no avail, Oliver said. A “box,” possibly a defibrillator, also was applied but didn’t function effectively, he said. “I cannot believe what is happening on the plane,” he said, sobbing. “She cannot get up, and nothing on the plane works.” Oliver said he then asked for the plane to “land right away so I can get her to a hospital,” and the pilot agreed to divert to Miami, 45 minutes away. But during that time, Desir died, Oliver said. “Her last words were, ‘I cannot breathe,’” he said. Desir, 44, was pronounced dead by one of the doctors, Joel Shulkin, and the flight continued to Kennedy International Airport without stopping in Miami, with the woman’s body moved to the floor of the first-class section and covered with a blanket, Oliver said. American Airlines spokeswoman Sonja Whitemon wouldn’t comment Sunday on Oliver’s claims of faulty medical equipment. “Flight attendants are trained for medical emergencies,” Whitemon told NBC News. “I have no doubt they did everything in their power to help the passenger during the flight.” Shulkin, through his attorney, Justin Nadeau, declined to comment on the incident out of respect for Desir’s family.  American Airlines, a unit of AMR Corp. and based in Fort Worth, Texas, is the largest domestic airline.

I have spoken about lousy customer service before, but this really puts the others to shame. “American Airlines”…you’ll love us to death…and we mean that!” Good luck to all flying the friendly skies, hope you remember to pack your carry on with the essentials: difib unit, spare O2, IV, triage kit, Army Survival Manual.  

 

Toast of the Day 02/22/08

BAYER AG 

TRASYLOL

http://a.abcnews.com/Health/HeartDiseaseCenter/wireStory?id=4294432

NEW YORK (Reuters) - The lives of 22,000 patients could have been saved if U.S. regulators had been quicker to remove a Bayer AG drug used to stem bleeding during open heart surgery, according to a medical researcher interviewed by CBS Television’s 60 Minutes program.  The drug Trasylol was withdrawn in November at the request of the FDA after an observational study linked the medicine to kidney failure requiring dialysis and increased death of those patients. It had been given to as many as a third of all heart bypass patients in the United States at the height of its use over a period of many years, according to the report. Dr. Dennis Mangano, the study’s researcher, said during the program that 22,000 lives could have been saved if Trasylol had been taken off the market when he first published his study in January 2006, according to a CBS News report on its Web site ahead of a broadcast slated for next Sunday. He said in the broadcast that Bayer failed to disclose to the FDA during an FDA advisory panel meeting in September 2006– at which Mangano’s negative findings were discussed — that the German drugmaker had conducted its own research which confirmed the same dangersestablished by his study. The chairman of the FDA advisory panel, Dr. William Hiatt, told 60 Minutes he would have voted to remove Trasylol from the market had he been informed about Bayer’s study, according to the CBS report.Bayer spokeswoman Meredith Fischer said she could not comment about the broadcast until it is aired, including allegations that the drugmaker had failed to protect patients. She said Bayer is facing a number of product-liability lawsuits filed by patients who had taken the medicine or their families, but said she not know how many lawsuits were filed.   (Reporting by Ransdell Pierson; Editing by Gary Hill)

Who can we trust???? FDA? Nope…Drug Makers…are you kidding?

  “Their greed makes us bleed.”  
“They make the green while I lose my spleen!” 

 I think in the end…we are all toast. -Rooster (2 Spurs Down)

 

Toast of the Day 02/21/08

George W. Bush

Dubbyah

The Rooster admits his faults usually. I believed in this guy from his questionable Presidential beginning. He appeared to be just what the country needed as a leader after the attacks of September 11th, 2001. Slowly my confidence has eroded over the years due to what I believe to be decisions made in the Oval Office, based on advice of some of his power corrupt and demonstratively anti-democratic henchmen. A man can sometimes be defined by the company that he keeps, and Dubbyah, you are guilty of keeping some of the worst company. I think he is a better man than that though, but not enough of a leader to be above those that would destroy our America abroad. On a positive note, I do agree that some of the measures activated after 9/11 have prevented another attack on the homeland and am appreciative of that fact. But still, your actions have made the entire world an unsafe place for Americans and have created an environment of fear amongst us all.

Over the years my opinion of the “Iraqi War” has changed….seeing that there are few Iraqi’s actively fighting in the “Iraqi War”…seems to be just the Iraqi policemen, security and innocent bystanders taking the bullets and IED’s along with our American troops. As our economy crumbles and the KIA count increases, we need to bring the troops home. I really don’t care about the possible ensuing civil war in Iraq, we have our own issues and crisis here in our own country. If anything is constant in that part of the world, conflict would be at the top of the list. Let’s pull our targets out of Iraq now and I will be the first to say that my vote will go to the person that will make that happen as soon as possible. The Rooster is a patriot, but not a stupid patriot that will waste men, money and our future on ideology that was based on lies, untruths and vindictive personal agendas. Dubbyah, you squandered your place in history and have ensured that another President like yourself will never be elected again. We have a war at home that needs to be fought with the same fervor and dedication, the war to educate our children, reduce violence in our cities, maintain our own infrastructure and provide for the people within our borders (citizens).

 

Toast of the Day 02/20/08

Michelle Obama

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,331428,00.html

MICHELLE OBAMA, BARACK OBAMA’S WIFE: Let me tell you something. For the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country, because it feels like hope is finally making a comeback. 

Bill O’Reilly: Now, the problem with that statement is the words “for the first time in my adult life I am proud of my country.” Perhaps Michelle Obama simply misspoke. That happens all the time when you give speeches. But Mrs. Obama said it twice in two different speeches.

The Rooster is not a fan of Bill O’Reilly, let me make that clear. I just agree with his view of Mrs. Obama’s comments. Say that you are not proud of the administration…say that you are not proud of our governments actions…say that you are not proud of portions of the corporate greed that represents America abroad….but don’t say you aren’t proud of your country. This country, the land, the resources, the way of life that has been built here generation upon generation deserves all of our pride. The Rooster is proud to be from America….if you view differs…..God Bless America…..you can leave.

 

Toast of the Day 02/19/08

UPS StoreU P(ick) (up your own) S(tuff) Store

(and customer service in general)

I don’t have anything personal against the UPS Store. Honestly, I don’t. I think this toast is a long time in the making and is actually a product of the cumulative poor customer service experiences provided to us by the majority of businesses today. The UPS Store, in my experience, just excels at poor customer service. Their apparent lack of an employee training program, poor personnel time management, employee attitudes (a big one) and the resulting poor customer service make the UPS Store an experience I have opted to do without. I don’t shop at Best Buy or Circuit City either…I heard they were even worse. Don’t get me started about Toys ‘R Us.

We (and I am speaking for you all) are tired of hearing corporations tout their customer service records. We all know that it isn’t true. We know that service after the sale doesn’t exist and hasn’t for many, many years. Just tell us the truth and you might get more business. We can take it. We are the resilient consumer.

Just stop peeing on our backs and telling us that it is raining. We know better.

And ”Steve”…the customer service guy….well…his name isn’t really ”Steve”…..his real name is….uhh…can’ t quite spell it….but you get the picture….

Toast of the Day 02/14/08

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

Imad Mughniyeh

Hezbollah Militant

(suspected mastermind of dramatic attacks on the U.S. Embassy and U.S. Marine barracks that killed hundreds of Americans in Lebanon in the 1980’s)
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23140698/

Welcome to Toastville. Literally.
“What’s that ticking sound coming from the glovebox?”
Nah nah nah…. nah, hey, hey….Goodbye

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Toast of the Day 02/13/08

“The Good Ole Days”

The Good Ole Days
 Gone are the days of the Sandlot
Gone are the days of our youth
Gone are the Good Ole Days
When the last thing to be thrown out was the Truth.
-the Rooster

“Say it ain’t so, Joe…say it ain’t so…”

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Toast of the Day 02/12/08

Hillary Clinton

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23099005/

Spoken with a Trumpesque accent:  Hillary:  “Yuh  Fiuuh’d”  to  Patti Solis Doyle (right)

Democratic Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton replaced campaign manager Patti Solis Doyle with longtime aide Maggie Williams on Sunday, a staff shake-up coming just hours after presidential rival Barack Obama’s Saturday sweep of three contests. Campaign aides said Solis Doyle made the decision to leave on her own and was not urged to do so by the former first lady or any other senior member of the team. But it comes as Clinton struggles to catch Obama in fundraising and momentum and faces the prospect of losing every voting contest yet to come in February. -A.P.

“Ya got to know when to hold ‘em…know when to fold ‘em…
know when to walk away…know when to run…” 

Especially…know when to run…  

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Toast of the Day 02/11/08

Purchasers of “The Secret”

“Ask….Answer….Receive” (aka “Wishful Thinking”)
Someone very close to me purchased this book and through the wisdom garnered from its pages used the Ask/Answer/Receive , “I am going to find a way to work from home, get rich and live comfortably for the rest of my life!”

Guess what? The author of the book (Amanda Byrne) probably wishfully thought the same thing.

Now THAT, my friends,  is “The Secret” in a nutshell.

 

Toast of the Day 02/10/08

Yahoo! CEO Jerry Yang

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23084127/

 

Yahoo Inc.’s board will reject Microsoft Corp.’s $44.6 billion takeover bid after concluding the unsolicited offer undervalues the slumping Internet pioneer, a person familiar with the situation said. - Associated Press

 You so crazeeee!! I can think of 44.6 billion reasons why you so crazzeee!
Sure the EVIL EMPIRE wants to take you over and in the end, it will happen. Don’t you know that already? It is inevitable, resistance is futile…”Men of the Alamo, lay down your arms!” 
 Look around you, you Yahoos!, there aren’t any other offers on the table. Time is running out, your stock is declining…..Steve Miller said it best, “Go on, take the money and run…”

 

Toast of the Day 02/09/08

Dr. Phil

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22712306/

If I were a truly troubled and downtrodden superstar…would  this be the face of comfort and safety?
His is the first environmentally friendly toaster…powered completely by HOT AIR.
Oh, Geraldo, where have ye gone? Tsk..those were the days.

Toast of the Day 02/08/08

Phoenix Suns GM Steve Kerr (with Shaq spread like butter)

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23040830/

“If it works I’m a genius,” Kerr joked playfully Wednesday during a press conference about the shocking and controversial trade of Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks for Shaquille O’Neal. “If it doesn’t, I’m a moron.” - Sam Smith   MSNBC contributor

The Rooster is by no means a fan of basketball or can I honestly say I know anything about the world of recruiting, free agents and trades between sports organizations. I do know a stinker when I smell one. The funk coming off it will actually singe the hair in your nostrils. This is not a Rocky Balboa, Brett Favre or a George Foreman comeback story. Shaq won’t lead the Suns to the championship. He needs to keep heading west,  pass completely by the Phoenix Suns and head straight for the SUNSET.

 

 

Toast of the Day 02/08/08

Joran Van Der Sloot

Today’s winner and inaugural inductee is the infamous Dutchboy Joran Van Der Sloot for his impressive videotaped confession of his involvement in the murder of Natalee Holloway in Aruba.

Details:  http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/02/04/natalee.holloway.suspect/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

 

  Congratulations for being the first one out of the toaster!